I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
