Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
