apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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