Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
In America we eat man semen.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
