Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
