I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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