You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
