Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize