Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
