Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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