Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
