The maid of honor just puked.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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