you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
