oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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