Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
