I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
