Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
