You're completely useless in the revolution.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You are a genius and a whore.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
