Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
