Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
