4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
