i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
