I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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