I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
