Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
