I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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