I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Also, beer. Big fan.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
