i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
