five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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