you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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