she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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