I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
