My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have feelings that need drinking.
Who died my cat blue again?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize