My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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