I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
