i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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