She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
