Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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