i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
