Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
