How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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