Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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