she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
