I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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