i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
