have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
