You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
