Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
