guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize