He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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