My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
