you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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