every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
