I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
