Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
