He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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