Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
