I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
