If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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