the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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