Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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