i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
