i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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