Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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