Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
