is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
