Jerry, you need to find god
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
