I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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