Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
