Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
